Cry
by SilverKnight
Summary: Goku mourns the loss of his son. AUish.
1. Cry

Disclaimer: DBZ, not mine. Money, no me make. Words, me no like. Blah.  
  
--Well, I'm not necessarily proud of this story, but I don't regret it, either. So I'm assuming that's a pretty good thing. Excuse me for any continuity boo-boo's in the story; I don't know all the facts about the alternate reality in which Goku died of a heart virus, so I'm probably wrong in my assumption that A) Gohan can inherit the disease, and B) can't be wished back by the Dragonballs. If that's the case, then consider this AU. That's always a nice cop-out. smiles--  
  
Cry  
By: SilverKnight  
  
Goku entered their bedroom, quickly shedding the thick and itchy clothing Chi-Chi had forced him to wear. As he tugged the tie off effortlessly, Chi-Chi sat on the bed heavily, whatever strength she had earlier completely gone. On his part, he couldn't quite understand why she was so down. Sure, he was sad to see his son go, but they would see Gohan again. They would just have to wait until they had crossed over into the Otherworld to do so.  
  
Gratefully pulling off the last article of clothing, the Saiyan hastily replaced them with his bright orange gi, the soft clothing clinging loosely to his immaculate form. Careful not to disturb his wife, he strode over to the small bed and lightly sat down upon his side, watching her movements intently. While he may not have really got why she was so utterly heartbroken, he was married to her, and he wanted to make sure she was fine before he went to train.  
  
She sat with her back turned to him, her sloped shoulders slumped downward in defeat. "Chi-Chi?" he asked, his voice clearly conveying his confusion. "Are you okay?"  
  
She didn't answer. Unsure of what to do, he clumsily reached forward and touched her shoulder. She wrenched away as if burned, shifting gracefully to move her legs onto the bed while still facing away from him. Goku furrowed his brows. Saiyans had a very limited telepathic ability, and that gave him the heightened sensitivity to one's emotions. He could sense Chi-Chi's emotions better than anyone else's, but he didn't need to sense them to know that they were abysmal. He'd never seen her like this before. He didn't know what to do.  
  
"Come on, cheer up...it's not like we'll never see him again..." he sputtered feebly, trying to say something to make her feel better.  
  
His pale wife turned in his direction, her large eyes brimming with unshed tears. He'd planned to say more, but the will to speak died in his throat. She rarely cried, at least around him. He always hated to see it when he did; it made him feel as if he'd done something to hurt her, and that was unforgivable. Moving closer to her on the small bed, he rested his large hand upon her frail shoulder heavily. He blinked, not being able to take his eyes away from hers. They were so haunted, so full of pain...  
  
Finally, she looked away, her ruby lips curling downward spasmodically as she shrugged his hand away rudely. "Don't," she moaned quietly, her voice strained. It was a far cry from the shrill scream she frequented, and Goku found himself missing it. "Don't you dare tell me..." Her voice cracked. Something swirled in his stomach at the sound, unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He winced from it. "That I...that I..."  
  
The sensation in his abdomen had blossomed into pinpricks of pain, and despite himself, he couldn't ignore it. This wasn't right. This entire situation, it was wrong, somehow. Gohan shouldn't have died; he shouldn't have lost his life to a simple heart virus. A stupid, idiotic, hereditary heart virus. One that he gave him.  
  
He took a deep, steadying breath, trying to will unwelcome sensation away. In spite of his efforts, though, the coldness remained defiantly present. Maybe it was because Chi-Chi was so sad, he thought to himself. Since words had gotten him nowhere, he could think of only one more thing. To her amazement, he slid over next to her, and protectively wrapped his arms around her. For a split second, she froze in absolute shock. He rarely hugged her first. "Chi-Chi--"  
  
Before he could speak further--however much good his words would've done, anyway--her composure vaporized, and she buried her head into his shoulder, weeping bitterly. He felt her manicured nails digging into his skin through the cloth she was clutching tightly in her fingers. He tightened his hold slightly, resting his cheek upon her soft black hair. The gnawing pain lessened at her touch, but her sobs and quaking body quickly replenished its strength, and soon it was just as strong as it had been before.  
  
And it kept getting worse.  
  
Goku brought a hand up to her head, gently stroking her hair. A small part of him just couldn't grasp why she was falling apart. He'd been to the Otherworld twice; it was a great place to go. There, Gohan wouldn't have to worry about getting sick, or fighting another threat. He was happy where he was. "Don't cry, Chi-Chi," he murmured softly into her hair.  
  
He sighed, listening as his wife sobbed for their son, and wondered how many times she'd done this for others. For Gohan when Buu struck, for him *twice*... Even though it had been hard to break the news to everybody, he was strong, and became the rock for everyone else to lean upon. He wasn't without his short periods of silent pain, but he withstood it because he'd begrudgingly accepted that his sons could die in battle, taking heart in the fact that they could be revived with the Dragonballs.  
  
What happened to Gohan, though...  
  
The ache in the pit of his stomach began to grow, icy tendrils slowly snaking its way up his spine. He felt his hand starting to shake, and steadied it with sheer will alone. He couldn't understand what was happening to him. When Frieza killed Krillin, there wasn't any real emptiness. Anger filled that voice very nicely. Even when Gohan and Goten were killed by Buu, he'd never felt this...utterly horrible before. For some reason, this time he felt as though something had grabbed his heart and ripped it from his chest. And it hurt.  
  
Chi-Chi continued to cry, her hoarse voice muffled from his now wet gi. A knot formed in his chest, and at some point his eyes began to sting, but he ignored it, wrapped up in his unusually deep thoughts. At the funeral service, he'd told everyone the same thing he told Chi-Chi, over and over. But, no matter how many times he reminded himself of the fact that his eldest son was still alive somewhere, there was still something that weighed him down. The more he dwelled on it, the heavier the weight got, until he felt like he was going to suffocate.  
  
His small wife's fingernail dug into his flesh painfully, actually drawing a little blood. His train of thought interrupted, Goku became very aware of the fact that his vision was blurred. For an instant, he was consumed with rage and self-hatred. It wasn't the time to be weak! Warriors didn't wallow in self-pity!  
  
His lips twitched downward into a frown of their own volition, the anger draining away. The voice which had previously dominated his train of thought still remained puzzled, although that voice had quickly diminished in volume. He shouldn't be feeling this pain. His son wasn't completely gone. He closed his eyes, silently repeating it to himself. There was no need to feel sad. Gohan was fine.  
  
A tear slipped down his cheek.  
  
Instinctively, he pressed the small woman in his arms closer to him, his hands curling into fists. "Please don't cry," he whispered in her ear, more to himself than to her. "He's happy now."  
  
To his surprise, Chi-Chi answered him. "I don't care," she lamented dismally through shuddering breaths. "I don't care if he's alive somewhere else..." She pulled away from him, her beautiful black eyes shimmering. "I don't want to wait until I'm dead to see him again, I want to see him now. I want to hold him, tell him I love him...and I can't do that!"  
  
Her brows puckered, her face ticking as she valiantly tried to hold the sorrow back. He felt a stab of pain at his heart, causing him to suck in a deep breath. "I can't..." she gasped, her voice thick. "I just can't..."  
  
For the second time, he pulled her to him, cradling her head gently against his muscled shoulder as her crying resumed. Quietly, he shushed her, tenderly running his hand up and down her back. He clenched his jaw, defiantly resisting the swell of emotions that were raging within him. Gohan was *fine*, dammit.  
  
A second tear slid down the side of his face, the traitorous thing, and to hide it, he rested his cheek against hers. His son was in the Otherworld, happy and peaceful. So, there was no reason for him to cry. His son was dead.  
  
His throat tightened.  
  
His son was *dead*.  
  
He was dead by something that he shouldn't have died from. All because the stupid anti-toxin didn't work, his son was gone, his pregnant daughter-in-law was widowed, and his grandchild would grow up without a father. He felt something trembling, and it took him a few moments before he realized it was his own treacherous body. Goku squeezed his eyes shut in sudden anger. No, he couldn't do this; Chi-Chi needed him to be strong.  
  
Another tear fell. And then another.  
  
By this time, he was using all the amazing strength of his body to keep what little composure he had left. If he'd been paying attention, he would've noticed that the woman in his arms had stopped sobbing, now staring at him in watery, wide-eyed disbelief. Goku was crying. He never cried. *Never*. She untangled her arms from around his muscled neck, cupping his tanned face in her silken fingers. "Goku..."  
  
A lump formed in his throat. A strange pressure suddenly built up in his chest, and he took a cautionary, shaking breath. He didn't dare open his eyes to look at Chi-Chi, because he knew if he did, he would lose all control over himself. He didn't want her to see him like this.  
  
He felt her soft thumbs rubbing over his cheeks, wiping away the few stray tears that he had shed. Her hand then spidered its way to his forehead, where she gently brushed back a few locks of his coarse hair. Her dainty hand rhythmically caressing his forehead soothed him, and the hurricane of emotions quieted momentarily.  
  
"Goku," she whispered, her voice husky, "it's okay to cry, if you want to." She sniffled, and if he hadn't been so concerned with savagely hiding his emotions, he would've smiled at the sound of it. He felt her wonderfully calming arms encircle his head as she hugged him to her chest, rocking him slightly. Despite his best efforts, his shoulders slumped, his body giving in to her calming gesture.  
  
Of course she was good at consoling others, he thought as a swift wave of bitterness overcame him, she'd had lots of practice. Whatever serenity he had gotten from her loving touch fluttered away, leaving him wracked with a pain he'd never dreamt of before. She noticed his change, and ran her fingers through his hair. "You need to grieve, Goku," she said quietly, a certain understanding and sadness in her voice he wasn't used to hearing. "You need to grieve."  
  
'Grieve'. He'd heard that word several times over the past days. He wasn't exactly sure what it meant, having never really gone through it himself, but from what he made of it, it wasn't something he exactly wanted to go through. The dying voice in his head calmly stated that he was being...what was that word Chi-Chi used? Irrational? Gohan was probably training with the best in the Universe, just like he deserved, and enjoying himself. It was all a matter of waiting until he died again to see him.  
  
He could wait, right?  
  
A dam broke inside of him, his face burning and contorted as the pressure in his lungs fought its way out of his throat to form a strangled, broken sob.  
  
No, he couldn't.  
  
Trembling, his arms coiled around her back, his fingers latching onto the soft cloth of her dress as if he were drowning, and she were a life preserver. Gohan was gone for good this time, and there wasn't a single thing he could do about it. He hated himself for it.  
  
It wasn't *fair*. No matter how many times he saved the Earth, no matter how many times he'd proven that he was willing to die for another, someone he cared about always wound up paying the price. He wanted to take Fate by the throat and strangle it to death. Gohan was better than him in every way; he was actually smart, he could support himself and his growing family in the real world, and he was far and away stronger. How dare it decide that he didn't deserve to live!  
  
A father was never supposed to outlive his own son!  
  
That made him feel the worst of all. He wasn't sure why, but somehow the fact that his child died before him made him feel as if he'd failed. Everyone made him out to be some sort of miracle worker; the go-to guy when things got rough to save the day. But when Gohan *really* needed his help, he had to just sit there and watch him die?  
  
He was scared. Terrified. He didn't know where he was, or what was going on, and he just wanted to get back to what he knew and what he loved. His family, his friends, his home with his wife and children. He wanted to train with his son. He wanted to laugh with him, and reminisce. He wanted to do all these things just as he knew it was impossible to do so. He'd waited too long; now he would have to live with the regret for the rest of his life.  
  
He felt so many things, that it was impossible to make heads or tails of what he was thinking. Maybe he wasn't. Or, maybe he was thinking too much. The voice which had been drowned out by emotion began to take hold again, talking slowly and calmly. As he felt the whirlwind in his mind gradually subside, three achingly final thoughts pervailed.  
  
Gohan was dead.  
  
Gone.  
  
He wasn't coming back.  
  
The Saiyan gasped for air, finally willing himself into a semblance of control. Feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden, he pulled away from Chi-Chi's embrace, furiously wiping away the rivulets of tears that stained his face with still quaking hands. For the first time in what felt like ages, he gathered his inner strength to meet her gaze.  
  
Her face was wet again, and there was sadness in her eyes, but the despair and heartbreak weren't. Her lips curved up sadly, capturing his large hand in her much smaller one. "Is that all?" she asked quietly, her voice soothing him.  
  
He blinked in confusion. For a flash in time, things were back to normal--he was confused, and she was smiling. It felt good, but it didn't last long. "Is that all what?" he huffed, furrowing his brows.  
  
"You were only...grieving for about a minute," Chi-Chi said, concerned. "If you need to...I'm still here."  
  
He frowned slightly, feeling the strength in him return. "Do you like to see me cry?"  
  
Her face softened, her features twisting with an indiscernible emotion. For a second, Goku was afraid she would start crying again, and he didn't want to know where that would lead if she did. He never wanted to cry again; it felt terrible. He wondered for a second if she felt as bad when she cried as he did. He contained an involuntary shudder, making a mental note to never, ever make her cry.  
  
To his relief, she merely sighed, bringing his calloused hand to her lips, kissing his fingers sweetly. "No," she answered sadly, squeezing his hand in support. "It breaks my heart."  
  
He *definately* never wanted to cry again.  
  
"But, if you ever need to, Goku," she continued, her eyes locked with his, "I'll be here."  
  
Despite what he thought she meant, he became confused again. Crying hurt her, she said that, but she would also let him if he ever needed to? She would let him hurt her? "You would--"  
  
Chi-Chi pushed herself up onto her knees, and hugged him close to her, the gesture meant to console her as much as it was meant to comfort him. "I'll be here, Goku," she whispered. "When you need me."  
  
He was...he wasn't sure how describe it. Touched? Honored? She was willing to endure so much for him... He almost wanted to cry again. Returning the embrace, he tenderly kissed her forehead, resting his head upon hers. "Thank you," he murmured, closing his eyes. He wanted to say more. 'Thank you for raising our children,' or, 'Thank you for being my wife,' and definately, 'Thank you for loving me, even when I don't show it back.' As usual, though, he could never say what he wanted, and used action to try and convey it instead.  
  
She held tighter, nuzzling herself against the crook of his neck. Minutes passed in silence, both of them concentrating on supporting each other. Finally, Chi-Chi sighed tiredly. "I miss him."  
  
Goku sighed as well, opening his eyes slowly. "So do I."  
  
"Do you really think he's happy?" she inquired, sounding uncertain and apprehensive.  
  
Goku's lips split into a grin, the act strange and unfamiliar given the circumstances. But, like the man the smile was attached to, he always did what he felt was right. "I know he's happy. As long as we are, that is."  
  
She pulled away, looking over his features skeptically. A few moments later, a small grin touched her thin red lips. She placed her hands on either side of his face, and kissed the tip of his nose. "Thank you, Goku," she said, holding his gaze.  
  
He said nothing, only smiled kindly. Gohan was happy, and for the first time since his son died, he believed it. Leaning forward, he pecked her on the cheek, reluctantly standing. Her hand found his one last time, and she squeezed it supportively. He squeezed back, and moments later left their bedroom, the smile still on his face.  
  
He would never have to cry again.  
  
--There ya go!-- 


	2. Author's Notes

My Thoughts...Such as they Are  
  
Ignore this.  
  
Seriously. Do me a favor and pretend this doesn't exist. Because I'm going to ramble, rant, and rave about non-sensical crap, and God knows, that's the last thing you probably need to hear.  
  
Still here?  
  
Fine, have it your way.  
  
I hate Author's notes. I can never get the damn things right. And, go figure, the one time I have some thoughts on the subject matter of my story, it needs to be a gazillion pages long, and on a one-shot DBZ story which involves something that probably couldn't even *happen* in real continuity. In case you wanted to skip past the whole story--although why you would do that and read this escapes me--Gohan dies. No, that's not the thing that's getting me riled up and surprisingly talkative. (And, besides, he's bit the big one before.) What probably caught a few eyes is the fact that Goku--our dear, fair, naive little Goku--cries.  
  
Yeah, I know. "How the hell can Goku cry?"  
  
That's what you're thinking, right? "You're so mean!" Well, yeah, but this is generally known. I am a sadistic, evil, maniacal little sonuva bitch who enjoys dragging characters I love through pain and despair, because it makes me feel like a better person. (Wow, run-on sentence. Go me.)  
  
Well, anyway, the whole way this story came about was in a dream. No, not the whole thing, but an interesting little snippet of something. I can't remember anything about the dream except for the simple fact that Goku cried. This, needless to say, intrigued me, because we've seen our fair Goku do everything else *except* cry. We've seen him happy, sad (or about as sad as Goku can get), angry, determined...let me think...nope, that's about it.  
  
Of course, Goku being Goku, he can't just go off on a crying fit, because, well, he's Goku! He's the happy-go-lucky bastard that we always either love or love to hate. His optimism is almost sickening at times, and you just want to smack him upside his little naive head and say, "HE*LLO*?! Wake up and smell the carnage!" But, then, to make him lose his innocence would be a crime. One even *I* wouldn't try to commit. Or, at least, not intentionally. Kinda like jay-walking. Only unintentional.  
  
Thus my original quandry. How the hell can Goku cry? And, moreover, how can I make him cry, and make it *believable*? Well, I figured only one thing would actually shake him up enough to make him lose it. Someone he loves dies. Duh, that can make any of us cry. But the problem with that is, everyone he loves has already died at *least* once before, (Poor Krillin; he got iced three times. *Three times*. Baldy's got bad luck; that's for sure. :D) and the waterworks never happened *then*, so why now?   
  
Good question. What I then realized is there has to be something different about this death than before. I mean, why should he cry over someone dying if they can be revived? And then, BAM! Right there; natural death! But, then came another problem--what the hell's considered 'natural'? (Okay, get your minds out of the gutter, people. That's my job.) I mean, you get shot in the head, you can be brought back, but what if you shoot yourself? Or how about if you jump off a cliff? Or if you wrap your car around a tree? Are you shit out of luck?  
  
Probably not. So, those are out. Oh, yeah, one of Goku's kids has to die; he seems to be closer to them. And Gohan is probably the most likely choice. (Again, I am mean. I will go for the throat and nether regions whenever possible, because readers *know* they like seeing their favorite characters battle and win against the odds, right? Plus, it's fun.) What could be considered a natural death? Well, age, of course, but Gohan ain't gonna conk out at 18 years old, so that's not happenin'. There's also the idea of naturally occuring disease...  
  
Disease. Virus. Heart virus.  
  
Bingo, we have our cause of death!  
  
Unfortunately, I'm an idiot and saw none of DBZ in excpetion for the Frieza Saga (...I won't even comment.) and the last half of the Buu Saga, so I know nothing of the specifics on Goku's condition and all that nice crap. So, what do I do? Research? Nah, that's too easy! I just make shit up and place an AU tag on it; that works well enough.  
  
All of this has a point. I promise. (Well, I think...)  
  
The reason I'm writing all this down for you to choke through, I felt the need to explain my reasons and thoughts behind this little weird story of mine. I've never actually been so...*into* a story before, where I just wanted to talk and talk and talk over it until my face was blue and you're banging your head against the keyboard.  
  
"sklsfwoeire;jz;n"  
  
Now, that's just not nice.  
  
I simply wanted to chat up the idea of Goku being more three-dimensional and human (pardon the pun) than what we sometimes see in show, and in some fanfics, as well. He's not just the loveable dumbass, or the boob who doesn't know what the hell is going on around him. I think that he's very smart, judging by his uncanny ability to fight and strategize. Sure, some of it's fighter's instinct, but even he said that a battle's often won not by brawn, but by intelligence. And, seeing as how Goku's won almost every single battle he's been in, he must be pretty damn smart.  
  
Then, why does he act like a complete idiot at times? He's naive. And very cute while doing it, too.  
  
Now, don't get me wrong. I love Goku to death, but sometimes it takes extreme measures to see just what a person is, and what they're capable of. No offense to world threats like Cell and Buu, but Death is probably the most extreme measure (and most likely overused too. Guilty, as charged.) you can cook up, so it seems fitting to use it. After all, Buu and Cell can be killed; Death is eternal. Well, Death and taxes. And stupid people. ...I digress.  
  
I apologize if you've read this whole thing and are wondering, "What the hell is this chick *on*?" Really, I warned you in the beginning. This was just my ranting and getting thoughts off my chest so I can move on to other stories. Hopefully better ones, but if not, well, then I suck.  
  
If you read this far, you get a free cookie. And a heartfelt thanks for reading my story. Hopefully, whenever I choose to get off my ass, I may actually say so personally. (E-mail. I love it. :D)  
  
Last thing said: DBZ rules!  
  
...I am so full of shit. 


End file.
